PIPELINED: Nicole Goes To US Marines - PayneInTheArrseGaming (2024)

Chapter 1: Three Months Flashforward

Chapter Text

"DID I RAISE MY HAND ON YOU, RECRUIT?"

"YOU f*ckING SMACKED ME!"

"TELL ME, WHEN DID I DO IT?"

"YOU'RE A PSYCHO! BITCH JUST LIKE FROM THE MOVIES!"

"RECRUIT, WERE YOU EXAMINED CAREFULLY? YOU MIGHT HEAR AND SEE THINGS THAT AREN'T THERE."

"f*ck... f*ck I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!"

"THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY PLATOON?"

"RAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!"

S C R U N C H

Hey.

It's me. Nicole.

That bitch getting sucker punched.

You might remember me.

Mommy's a pill addict, daddy blew his head off and left a note saying it's all my fault, never made a healthy connection with peers, sociopath, bully, moving every year, below the poverty line...

Yada yada yada!

We went over this sh*t twice already!

Go read the other ones if you hadn't!

...

sigh

I guess I kinda deserved that one.

Yeah, crazy thing for me to say, I know.

Have I finally grew up?

Did I turn humble?

Am I a good person now?

f*ck no, loser!

I'm still pretty as sh*t! I'd run you down to the ground for sh*ts and giggles if we ever met!

...

But.

I'm sure getting tempered.

Seriously, calling your Drill Instructor a j█p whor*? And then shoving her? That sh*t ain't gonna fly. Not trying that again.

Oh yeah, highschool's over and life changed a whole lot if you hadn't noticed already. After I'll get over that concussion and a dislocated jaw, I'm gonna become a Marine.

US of motherf*ckin' A, baby.

A mass produced killing machine for shooting Iraqi kids to keep gas prices low so Obama can get reelected or something.

By the way, this is the "me" that got-

...

Okay! f*ck! Hold up!

We gotta slow down cause this sh*t is getting convoluted.

Let's go back to the beginning.

The graduation of '09.

• • •

"Hey kids, wanna go die in a war?"

Chapter 2: Graduation Day

Chapter Text

???: "Hey kids, wanna go die in a war?"

That made as much sense in context as it did without any. I was alone with Jecka in an empty classroom, everything cleaned and chairs upside down on their desks for the summer. Bumped into her on the hallway right as I was about to drop off textbooks and see Lynn packing her stuff after being fired.

What?

Yeah it happened! Interquel retcon, bitch! You expect me to talk about every bit of trivia of my life? Creep!

I literally skip whole months between the stories cause it's all just dodging classes, brooding, and snorting sh*t! Go do drugs in your own school if you want the whole package!

...

So, this was about to be my last conversation with her. Like, f*ck, I didn't expect to exchange ANY words with ANYONE after that graduation laughing stock.

Nicole: "... what?"

Jecka: "You're hitting on us?"

I never considered her anything more than a below-average-annoying ho to do stupid sh*t with while skipping classes.

Or to double our verbal abuse firepower on nerd losers.

Or when sticking together to lessen the chance of sexual assault became a priority because half of the school staff were predators.

All in all, doing that for two years straight? It had to grow on me.

Messed up couple of troublemakers, but the closest thing I ever had to a connection with another human being.

And I was about to send it off on a good note too. To form a one permanent good memory from that school, one that would bring a tear to my eye in my last moments, as my brain shuts down from OD.

And of course we had to get interrupted by a wrinkly dickface in a green-puke camo! Walking on us like on some couple of crypto-exhibitionists! I can't lock that door asshole! I don't have a key!

??? "Ahahaha~ No. Sergeant Daniel Bennet, United States Marine Corps."

J: "Yeah, sounds like an average army grunt."

Daniel: "Marines are n...

... heh, well it's something you might be able to learn about quite soon."

N: "Why would I? And when was the last time you felt a touch of a woman?"

D: "Oh honey! After the Iraq deployment I was randy for anything that moved, breathed, or neither."

And he wasn't even serious with us! f*ck, this is what happens when you care about something for once!

Telling you ahead of time that he's a recruiter, I don't think that's how you build up PR or clients. Cause isn't that who they are, salesmen?

J: "Dude get the f*ck out or I'll sue for pe... sh*t, uhh, isn't harassing 18 year old girls bad too?"

Selling you a military contract? That lets them ship you to the Middle East? And very likely to get you killed by some fanatic Arab screaming how Allah is great?

D: "Buuuuut my wife and strippers blow like a vacuum so I'm good now.

Seriously though, want to join the Marine Corps? We got college, housing, and a medical plan."

N: "Why are you even looking in here? Don't you have frat boys to pester?"

Or have you kill yourself after enough shower rape? Make you eat a gun barrel?

Like my dad?

D: "Already sorted them out. Even gave a chance to that scrawny j█p comic fanboy. Couldn't make a single pull-up on the bar."

N: "Wind would topple that twig while he's standing for attention."

J: "Oh, just imaaagine seeing that fa███t in a uniform! Bwahaha!"

D: "I usually don't bother but we take in skirts too. Democrat push for female empowerment and all."

J: "Empowerment through what? Getting gang raped by a bunch of unwashed pigs? Eugh, no thanks!"

D: "Barrack bunnies have it easy, trust me. Blow your NCO once and you're set for life, or f*ck a homeless dude for a hit of dope. The choice is yours."

J: "Hey watch your mouth, I'll... f*ck, pe████lia again. Seriously, I need more tricks in the book to survive the streets now."

D: "I could teach you all of them and I honestly mean it non-sexually. You'd make a good recruiter yourself with those blondie looks. I can cover the jocks, broken home boys, Call of Duty gamers...

But horndog virgins?

Promise them all that puss* they'll get from 'manning up' and you'll get a whole platoon at your feet!"

That one was inviting at the very least. I already do it for kicks, but for a living? With government support? That's better than that time I was selling crack!

J: "I mean, I'm already manipulating losers my whole life, and you make it sound not that bad... But I like the freedom of choice of my victims. No one's gonna tell me who to wrap around my finger! Buzz off!"

N: "Want me to bayonet toddlers to make some Wallstreet geezer happy? I'll make more safe cash by hairdressing your hag."

D: "No hard feelings honey. Honestly, you're substandard anyway. Chicks are already failing the joke of a physical exam we set, and we keep lowering the bar anyway just to keep up with the quota."

J: "f*ck off!"

Jecka got to throw a fake flower pot from windowsill on the closing doors. sh*t cracked for real though and spilled the dirt all over the floor.

J: "Ah crap, we gotta clean this up. That gotta count as vandalism and I'm NOT paying a ticket on the first day of freedom!"

N: "You clean that, I got sh*t to do. Be right back."

J: "Hey don't you leave on me like that! Didn't you want to talk!?"

N: "Lost the mood, sorry. Catch you later."

J: "Well screw you too then!

...

...

...

My fresh nails..."

Chapter 3: The Pipeline Is Real

Chapter Text

Closing those doors and walking away was about to be the biggest mistake of my life. One that may as well have started the whole thing.

No, not Jecka. I literally said I'd be back, plus she's the one who made that mess. She should be happy we met each other that 'one last time' in the first place! And of course that army prick really pissed me off.

When I got to the library, Bitch Lynn was there.

Nicole:"Oops I was just dropping off my lost textbook check... Awkward."

Lynn:"I was on my way out, just packing."

N:"They make you clear the whole room at the end of every year?"

L:"Uh no, they make you clear the whole room after you're fired."

N:"Whoops."

L:"Your apathy won't work on me, Nicole."

N:"You're not mad?"

L:"No actually, it's been a long time coming. Surprised it didn't happen sooner to be honest."

N:"So you knew ignoring it would come back to bite you?"

L:"When you've fooled around with half your staff they don't take you very seriously. I know I may seem old to you but we're actually not too different."

N:"Using our looks to f*ck around with people?"

L:"That's right, been doing it since I was your age.

Though you really one upped me. Never letting your emotions trick you into thinking you owed them anything. Rare for a girl your age."

N:"How long for you to figure that out?"

L:"I still haven't, in 39 years. 39 years old and I didn't report teachers for asking students out because I didn't wanna look stuck up.

Sometimes all it takes is one night with someone to feel the need to be loyal."

N:"Ew! - - You f*cked the counselor!?"

L:"Ugh, among others."

N:"Well... I guess it only makes sense that men impulsive enough to f*ck their boss would also try to f*ck k█ds.

I thought you hosted the feminism club?"

L:"Politics are fashion. We picket for a sense of belonging, not change."

...

N:"... Belonging you say."

L:"Maybe one day you'll start your own movement."

...

N:"And how much is that sense of belonging worth?"

L:"Excuse me?"

That part of conversation we did side by side, inch away as she was about to walk out.

N:"Cause, even if people are sh*tbags that either try to leech off others or work the least they can, we can do pretty f*cked up stuff to get into a social group."

L:"... Oddly profound and unexpected of you. Are you perhaps high on something?"

N:"I snort to stop thinking, so I guess not.

How far would you go out of your comfort zone for that?"

L:"My zone of comfort? You just destroyed it.

I'm out of a job I built my whole life around and you just entered adulthood. I think we're both about to find out.

Now let me ask one more thing myself then: are you about to reveal a dramatic twist that the past two years were just an act?"

N:"Nah, don't think so. I still hate you, f*cking p█do enabler. See ya never hag."

L:"Good luck."

Startled me there for a second. I guess that's what an out-of-character ball match ends up looking like. One from me, one from her. She probably never knew or cared what I was going to do after high school, I certainly didn't, but I could juuust feel the cowboy hat tip from her. From one golddigger to another.

Why all that?

I was low on pills.

Mom was yet to kick the bucket as of that day so my supply should've been stable, but she didn't restock her meds cabinet for quite some time. Our newfound stability in life delayed her next psychiatrist visit and I had to ration my stuff. I felt like the poor kids that could only take the free school lunches and walk hungry all day.

I mean I took them too, except for the opioids.

If I only knew...

Jecka:"WELL HELLO, BITCH!"

Nicole:"Jecka, what's the fuss about? I told you I'll be back."

J:"Look at my nails! I had to clean that mess barehanded because I couldn't just ask a janitor for a broom!"

N:"You could've just waited that out, I'd bring a rag or something."

J:"They're worth at least a burger with fries! You OWE me that!"

N:"Whatever, feel like-"

...

There he was.

"So what are your plans now?"

"Do you feel like traveling to other countries?"

"Are you bilingual?"

"College loan may be overwhelming in the long run. You see, we have this very generous offer..."

"Trade schools have nothing on our courses. Employers keep whining about years of experience, but once they'll see you've been a mechanic in the Corps their panties will be in a twist."

"You'll get shredded dude. Right now doesn't even come close. Imagine Jay Cutler kind of big."

"Housing is skyrocketing in prices. You say you'll be able to afford it soon, but the rent you have now may catch up with your savings. Think about it."

"Yes... Yes, certain aspects are just like Call of Duty. Yes, even Halo."

"It's a million dollars targeting equipment. Surgical precision that brings JDAM's right on their turbans. You need to see it in action."

Booth in the middle of the main hall, like that of lemonade kids. The entire school was a ghost town except for that one spot, all dudes. Raggedy ass folding chairs, carpet for push-ups, pull-up bar, and a 7/10 military uniform chick for an assistant. No wonder he tried to get Jecka onboard.

N:"They really are like cattle."

J:"The pipeline is real dude."

N:"Better than the prison pipeline."

J:"Do we even have that? That's for black ghetto schools."

N:"Prison there is basically occupation by default. Trade selection starts once they put them to work in nearby factories."

J:"Kinda makes the whole Civil War pointless. Just slavery with extra steps."

N:"We got to sh*t on the Midwest though."

J:"Bitch, we ARE the Midwest! Virginia was literally leader of the Confederacy! We wanted Lincoln dead! Had slaves and sh*t!"

N:"How do I know? My class frequency was barely above half."

...

N:"Damn, I wanna f*ck with him so bad."

J:"... Bitch you are NOT real right now."

N:"What!? Ew! No! You need everything explained like a special-ed kid?"

J:"I'm not a f*cking ret█rd, but be just a bit more specific!"

N:"Do we really have a Pinky and The Brain dynamic going on?"

J:"You're the high 24/7 one, go figure."

If not for these tiny random mood swings inside my head at that moment, I'd be less bitchy. I was out for some natural serotonin for once, one from ruining someone's day.

N:"Look, you in or not?"

J:"Last time you said that you made me cook crack at your place."

N:"Shut it! You got five hundred bucks from that!"

We waited around the corner for a good minute cooking up a plan.

N:"That chick is sidestepping like crazy. She's asking for a piss but guy keeps her chained there. When those guys get stamped she's gonna go take a leak and he'll be all alone."

J:"What next? Slip crushed Xanax into his coffee?"

N:"f*ck no I'm low on that. We'll just screw with his papers. They look, like, super important."

J:"Okay, but who does what?"

• • •

CHOICE 1:Have Jecka distract the recruiter, and sabotage him yourself.

CHOICE 2: Listen to what the recruiter has to say, and have Jecka sabotage him.

Chapter 4: Pranking a Crayon Eater

Chapter Text

CHOICE 2: Listen to what the recruiter has to say, and have Jecka sabotage him.

I made up my mind. Jecka was to go in the moment we'd sit down. With no guys to process into soon-to-be bodybags, I went out front. He finally let his assistant take a piss.

Nicole:"Okay. Cool. Cold bitch... Ekhm!"

Guy noticed me just as he thought of packing his bags.

Daniel: "Oh! Welcome! How can I-"

N:"Sup. I'm in. Let's do it."

D: "O... okay? What exactly?"

N:"I'm feeling like dying in a foreign war in my twenties. Can you help me with that?"

D: "Ah, it's you. What do you want?"

N:"I straight up told you, jarhead.

I want to get shipped like canned meat to some unpronounceable sh*thole, shoot some kids, and get suicide bombed by a member of an unpronounceable fanatic religious group. Doesn't have to be Muslim though."

D: "What an attitude."

N:"Too much to handle?"

D: "Not for me, no sugarcoating babytalk makes the job easier. Your DIs will straighten you out instead."

I'll be real with you, at that time I had no idea what the whole acronym speak was about. I was just trying to screw him over.

N:"I'd like to see them try."

From the perspective of time, that's a stinger.

D: "Either way, it won't be my problem. Not bullsh*ting someone for once is a breath of fresh air.

Come on then, give me ten consecutive pull-ups to see if the paperwork is worth it."

I got to it while giving a negative to Jecka waiting for signal. Having literally EVERY contact with opposite sex being that of attempted rape or grooming got into my muscle memory though.

N:"How big are the chances you're going to grope my ass while I'm on it?"

D: "I'd say you're getting annoying with those sexual assault remarks, but I'm also kinda on the news with the nonce problem in this school."

N:"... One!"

My bad PE experiences aside, I was pretty athletic for a girl, pretty gymnastics that made the old farts "teaching" us drool behind our backs. Also yet to do anything truly big to ruin my body."

D: "Bullsh*t, your chin didn't reach above the bar. Again."

I'll never live that down. I could be bleeding out in middle of Afghan and my fragile ego would recall that one insignificant humiliation. I clearly did it right! I'm not a fatso!"

N:"On... Ngh! The news? Just like everyone after my show on the ceremony?"

D: "One. Nah, years. Not that it concerned me as guys are my target audience. That bitch Lynn had it coming, and you sure are one too."

N: "Two... Three... H-hey what the f*ck!?"

Out of nowhere, bastard grabbed me by the ankles and started dragging me down.

D: "Stop whining, you skirts barely weight anything! Your strength-to-mass ratio is that of a co*ckroach and so is your endurance!"

N:"Screw... you... four!"

I lived through the bad touch by seeing that Jecka quietly went through the hall and hid behind another corner, just an arm's reach of the desk.

D: "Imagine this is sixty pounds of equipment wearing you down! Backpack, rifle, plates! You're gonna die if you can't drag them! Five!"

N:"What the hell's... the matter with you!? S... Six!"

D: "I'm a pretty standard crayon-eater, darling. If I want to get the money you must be at least eligible physically. Seven!"

He was putting in way more force than that and it only got worse. Following a certain trend in my life, now he really deserved a ruined day.

Or maybe not?

Maybe he genuinely wanted to see me in the Marines despite the sh*t he said?

D: "Damn you suck a fat one, young lady. At least you'll do the barracks bunny part well!"

Nah, f*ck him.

N:"Eat. sh*t. DIE."

Is this what they call junkie power? co*ke rush? Going Al Pacino? I was yet to do any go-to-jail drugs, but praised be the American pharma.

D: "Good! Good! That's a ten! Pick yourself up."

Low level of barely legal and highly addictive sh*t in my blood hit me like that time I tried mom's beta-blockers. Not that they improved me, just kept functional.

N:"Haah... aah."

D: "Okay babe, good enough. Come on, take a seat."

N:Oh sh*t... Do I need 911?"

Jecka peeked out and scanned the area. Women's restroom was yet to open but the clock was ticking.

D: "What you need is to work on your body. At this point a weekend at National Guard will give you a heart attack."

Pen he clicked could also act as a blunt weapon. The fresh applicant sheet was just three pages long.

D: "Name?"

N:"Nicole."

...

N:"... Smith?"

I don't think that's ever been said out loud, but my second name is the most basic bitch thing ever. Doesn't fit the whole depression, self harm, and suicide theme, but those became common themselves so I guess I'm just lying to myself.

Makes me realize why she hated being called 'Jessica' so much.

D: "Any criminal record?"

You'd expect me to be a deranged teen doing headlines, but surprisingly... No?

N:"I mean I cooked drugs and shipped them through states once. Is that bad?"

sh*t they didn't get you for doesn't count of course.

D: "Sigh... Caught?"

N:"No idea how I pulled it off but I'm clean."

Old man got tabs on me in seconds, he went from papers to a laptop.

D: "Good enough. Keep it shut though, I don't want any bad rap."

Truly the highest of standards for the future defenders of our nation and values.

N:"Says who."

In between the elaborate heist, I realized I'm about to be put into an actual database of something. Like, I'm a tech kid compared to my old hag, but it really gets to your head once it arrives.

D: "Y'know what, finish those yourself. Birth, address, parents, yada yada. I'm gonna check you in digitally and then take a leak. Also where's that bitch..."

I expected Jecka to get more creative, but sitting there in person made me see how very few safe angles of attack there were. Instead of crossing out sh*t or writing fake info she just took piece of paper one after another. Army gramps unexpectedly got up and was about to catch Jessica red-handed.

N:"Oooohhhh maaaan, I'm a buuust!"

D: "What is it this time? Even with my misogyny, I'm sure we can somehow-"

N:Duuude, I'm suuuper high right now."

D:"What?"

N:"Out of my mind, stoned, high functioning opium addict. My liver probably looks worse than yours."

D: "Oh for f*ck's sake! Now you're telling me that!? Getting high on your own supply!? That sh*t takes months to flush out for the tests!"

N:"Yeah man, unstable mom is a totally better source than the cartels. Feds are really the best dealer there is!"

Jecka bailed in the opposite direction to one of school's backdoors. To keep him tied I swept that piece of paper and gave it all out of my cardio, the only thing pretty bitches do. Seriously, muscles are ugly as f*ck on women.

N:"Oh, but hey, I'mma take that! Never know! Might change my mind later!"

D: "Get out of here damn brat! f*ck, wasting my time... Wait- f*ck!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!"

Chapter 5: Book Burning And Junk Food

Chapter Text

Jecka:"And who else!? Who else!?"

You know how it is when you get your hands on some bitch's diary? Like, when she leaves her locker open or you send a pic of your underwear to the janitor to have him open it for you?

Nicole:"... Kylar, pfft, obviously..."

J:"Gorilla with a gun is the most fitting career for that hunk of meat."

And then who always seemed to be this nasty alpha, this f*cking insufferable hooker.

N:"Let's see... Braxton, Kyle... so he didn't kill his mom... but even an attempt should get him lo... Wait, f*cking Troby? Didn't he drop out?"

Is just a sissy, insecure girl who draws Hello Kitty right next to the daydreams of her crush?

J:"Saw him at a Hot Topic twice. He said he's gonna transfer to another school and join the army cause being a wagie sucks ass."

So you rip pages right out and nail them down on the bulletin board in the main hallway in the middle of the night.

N:"Like that's any better. On the streets you only bite it when you're unlucky, the usual tragedies and occasional robbery. But as an invader grunt? A whole bunch of people is out to get you and to record your corpse for a propaganda video."

And in just two days of being bullied and getting sent unsolicited dick pics.

J:"Damn, now that I think about it... the goddamn pipeline. Half of our class, half of our school in general! Like, who am I supposed to dig out gold from now!?"

She overdoses on ketamine, wanders onto an interstate, and gets hit by a soccer mom in a two-ton SUV?

N:"What gold? From a guy your age? Dude, they're good for nothings. Cogs that will get chewed up by the system, and either die or leave after achieving nothing."

J:"Being a closet rapist and a moron is a one thing, but why do men want to die so bad? Wasn't suicide your unique quirk?"

N:"Yeah, I feel devalued and robbed."

Well imagine all this, but with military documents.

J:"We should probably get rid of this right f*cking now. I know it's not classified but that's enough crime for a graduation day."

There was no janitor to dump it all onto in this scenario. Only tracks led to us.

N:"Light 'em up then."

So we just savored the victory of making an adult man's life inconvenient and a whole lot of working hours wasted, all those tedious screenings turned to dust.

...

Except for mine.

J:"I hope we don't start a forest fire with this."

I'd throw it in a beat if not for those signatures. Staff Sargeant Daniel Bennett. All his sarcasm and lack of trying, I get it, that's basically me. But prefabbed signatures on all blank sheets? That's not just idiotic, but waiting for a bitch like me.

N:"Pick up some rocks then."

I didn't know what I'd use it for, most likely a blackmail, but what kind of? I stashed it like average dads do with odd pieces of junk, for later. At least that's what they supposedly do. I just weirdly crumpled it up into my bag.

J:"BITCH I SWEAR I'LL THROW YOU FACE FIRST INTO THAT!"

N:"What?"

J:"MY f*ckING NAILS!

I paid for them outta my pocket! Dad had an accident at work so bad he's on unpaid leave! This sh*t was supposed to last a month and dirt already scratched off the top layer!

God, how did I even manage those two years with you!?"

As for Jecka, a mildly clear head made me realize I could use her as a lifeline in case of trouble.

N:"Oh I told you I'll get them done. Give me some time!"

J:"Like I'm gonna see you ever again!"

Had to be careful when pulling the strings on her, they break easily and you can't just sex up a girl for money.

N:"Depends on if mum kicks me out the moment I knock on the door or by the time summer wraps up. Then we'll figure it out."

J:"If!? We!?

What's in IT for ME!?

We stuck around to survive, not because you were a good company! And I'm not some cheap hooker!"

N:"Snorting pills, watching Mythbusters, and snuggling into my tit* didn't feel good?"

...

...

...

J:"... I was high, get over it. If your mom wasn't a broke ass bitch she'd get a cable with AMC and Breaking Bad."

N:"We can always burn a DVD."

J:"You're being gay as f*ck. Stop."

N:"... will you drop me off?"

I mean, I hate my fatso brother for being a useless leech, but isn't it socially acceptable when hot women do it?

J:"BigMac with co*ke and large fries, a bottle of Addies from your stash, and fresh nails. Even if you're homeless and selling ass. End of June or We. Are. DONE. Got it?"

Considering I thought of myself as already without a roof over my head, I was halfway there. Empathy or not, don't bite a hand that feeds you.

N:"Deal."

Chapter 6: Not Doing Drugs For Once

Chapter Text

Jecka:"No, I'm not changing the course. Your stop. Go take a bus or something, school lines are still running today."

Being dropped off half of the way home may sound good on paper.

Nicole:"Come on, don't treat me like a loan shark. I'll get you everything on time!"

But when that one-fourth remaining is still two digits of miles, that's NOT a good deal.

J:"Mom just texted dad needs his bandages changed. Aaaannnd being a useless golddigger she can't do it alone."

N:"You're not even good at medicine. Like, 'I won't do CPR through a hygienic mask' kind of bad."

J:"Bitch, we both barely passed the first-aid course!

Hey, shouldn't you be at my feet and beg for favors by the way? Your life is probably depending on me now."

N:"I can always sell ass."

J:"I can see you do that without a second option. Whatever, our relationship is, and WAS transactional only. Don't die and I'll see you around."

...

Jecka hit the road, I was left in the middle of Springfield in a pink sunset.

N:"What a mess. Ah, here goes nothing."

After a whole day of surprisingly productive things, it was time for a good kid to get her candy.

N:"Wait..."

Except she didn't have any.

N:"Where the- No."

The calculated starvation diet that I chose to endure instead of breaking into a drug store.

N:"No no no no no NO NO f*ck!"

Went into just that, plain starvation.

I pushed that biological deadline to its limits and my body wasn't happy about it. I ransacked my pockets, bag, and ground around me. I searched for that bottle of pills like a lost child if I was a better parent than my mom. If she ever gave a sh*t about either me or my nonce brother.

N:"f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck... oh."

All the ingredients of an opioid-based co*cktail in my blood just had their red bulbs lit up.

Adderall, Vicodin, Percocet, Xanax.

All at once.

N:"... oh f*ck."

I hit the ground with my knees for the first of many times that evening. That sensation of 'getting a cough' set in, the one where even the tiniest touch has you snap back like from a hot coal burn.

N:"Haah... Aah! Nghh! I can't-"

Something so deeply entrenched, so fundamental that made me into the person I was, was seeping out of me like blood that time I got shot in a mall.

The world was spinning around and not in a good way. And with me spinning too, rustling around and panicking like a crackhead I was, it only made things worse.

N:"No... G-get up!"

Those five wasted minutes were crucial. I forgot about my bus, it was long gone.

Then I heard the horn. Again, it felt like five gunshots going off right next to my ear.

N:"Train!"

It pulled up to an empty station. There wasn't much time.

N:"Hey... Hey! Heeeey- cough! Cough! COUGH! AAH!"

My legs turned to cotton, it felt like a dream where steps forward make you walk in one spot. I wobbled like a drunk, bumped into sh*t, and held onto the posts and poles, but held out from falling over. Still, it wasn't enough.

N:"I'm right here... wa-ait for me you piece of... Haah..."

The whistle sounded and all the doors closed. Train driver probably saw me, but on the last day of school year, I'd be a lazy bum and do the same. Another ride left without me.

N:"The school... I need to get to that classroom, ngh! It should still be in... the classroo- HARK!"

I left them on that desk. It would be a very nice find for the next year's freshman, but I wasn't keen on giving up my supply. If I just downed them all in one go all of this would've been avoided.

N:"Chain... f*ck the cameras, I just... Just... !!!"

Climbing a locked metal gate with the body control and strength of a drunk toddler was a terrible idea, but crackheads aren't exactly reasonable people.

N:"Aghh! My ass..."

Hitting the concrete, again, felt like being run over by a redneck pickup.

Barely legal girl, face first on a cold sidewalk, right in front of Lake Braddock Secondary School gate. Right for the taking. With luck a one bit worse than I already had, this would be the last chapter of my life.

N:"You..."

It took minutes, but the panic stopped. I got angry, tried to hype myself up within. Getting that crackhead power going once more, but I was literally the opposite. Didn't stop me from trying though.

N:"You brainless f*cking moron, ah, you retarded-"

"Oi, da f*ck was that to?"

But all my chants did was summon another, REAL crackhead.

N:"Nghh... aaaAAHHHH!!!"

"You wot? War cry, is that it? You want to go, huh!? You want to get some of thes-"

Once I realized I had to breath manually, I realized this might be what dying feels like.

N:"Help."

And since I didn't get to choose my way out, like through some sexy serial killer, I wasn't too proud to beg.

"Yeah! You're gonna be needin' one when I'm done with y-"

N:"Help me, I'm-"

RUSTLE

Concrete again.

"So much for a fight, eh dickhe*d...

Oh sh*t, lady! Damn, I thought... You ain't lookin' good! Uhh, wassup with ya?"

Now that he saw a petite girl instead of a challenger of his territory claim, he was polite enough to not beat me to death or rape me on the spot. So kind of him.

N:"My guts-"

"Like wha-"

HURK

"Uh..."

HULP

"Oh."

BLEGH

"Damn, you need water or sumthin'?"

B U U U L E E E G H H H

...

"Aight I ain't touching all that with a five foot pole. I'm out."

In the end I didn't get that water. After my last scrap of womanly appeal was ruined by throwing up, the guy just bounced.

N:"M-mister...^{No... H-help...}"

"Nah, that's some nasty OD. I ain't tapping that roastbeef puss*."

N:"I'm not... man... mister...^Anyone.I can't...^{I can't...}"

N:"Jecka."

J:"Wazzup."

N:"Help me. I... I'm out. I'm so f*cked up."

J:"Ugh, we saw each other TWENTY minutes ago and you did WHAT!? What is it this time?"

N:"Nothing. It's not. None."

J:"Bitch, you're TRIPPING! You're high on something again!?"

N:"No. Can't walk. I... I forgot."

J:"If it knocked you off your feet then it had to be sum goooood sh*t, eh?"

N:"No. None. Nothing."

J:"Seriously why the f*ck are we even talking anymore!? You're pushing it Nicole, I know doing and selling drugs makes you cool, but if you go for the hard stuff at least accept the consequences!"

N:"Zero. I didn't. Nothing. None. Any."

J:"Oh so that's what happened? Some gangster had you take your own rocks to prove you're not...

oh no."

N:"Please. Can't... I forgot. Forgot! Yaa... ahh... AAAGHHH!"

...

J:"... Oh sh*t.

ohsh*tohsh*tohsh*tOHsh*t

I'm coming! I'll be there in a hot minute!

Hold on Nic-

S C R E E E C H

f*ck! Merging without looking!"

N:"Jecka... you..."

J:"Yes, yes I'll be there... f*ck this is just what that... t-that cop... We had an anti-drug lecture from him, he told us how withdrawal can screw you over as bad as OD, you skipped it obviously... H-hey talk to me!"

N:"Shaking. Cold. I can't."

J:"NOT like that! Do NOT go into the light or whatever you're seeing! Where are you!?"

N:"Springfield."

J:"Springfield WHAT!? That doesn't narrow it down!"

N:"Silver. Closed."

J:"Silver!? Silver Diner!? Next to the mall!? I'm flooring it there!"

N:"Jecka... I forgot..."

J:"What are you even doing there!? How!? And why didn't you just call 911!?"

N:"Home."

J:"Walking home!? In a f*cking US of A!? Don't tell me you missed the bus!? Train!?"

N:"... Both."

J:"God f*cking damn it you're useless! On drugs or not!"

J:"You're SO f*cked up. Deflated like a corpse... ahh-nd are somehow still heavy... get in!"

Before swimming into that... sea... I remember Jecka scolding me and picking me up like a log over her shoulder. I'm a hundred percent sure that I drooled over the car's leather too.

N:"Ewbheweme... eee... Donhn wanna see..."

J:"Mom's gonna kill me either way, but, j-just PLEASE don't throw up on the backseat."

N:"Jecka... Home."

J:"E.T go hospital, bitch! You're f*cking dying! I'm not having your corpse sh*t itself back there! Or... dying... in general. Man I hate that movie, but your face sure looks like that slimy alien right now."

Imagine doing a bad thing by for once NOT taking drugs.

N:"Jekha... Je... Jhee... Jhefry."

J:"Jeffrey? Jeffrey what?"

N:"He shwut you... shwot you... an ehryon... I swould tald hm owt... Imssho swowwy..."

I don't remember exactly what I saw... there. Not all dreams are tangible, that stuff isn't some movie fragment you watch.

J:"He shot? Who? Are you dreaming of that f█g being in the Marines or something?"

N:"aei... Ari, ah fwukhd er ufp... sho bwawd. Why..."

I remember concepts, emotions, but no context.

I didn't want to see these things. Perhaps it's for the best I don't remember them. I think this lack of memory was really just a defense mechanism.

I was never a spiritual person, and this didn't have to be some supernatural limbo.

But dreams are a thing.

And it was an abyss, true to its name. One that strips you of everything. One where you're naked in and out, where time of day has no place. I was there not alone, but with myself.

Many selves.

It was an eternity in there.

You just don't come back the same from something like this.

J:"You f*cked with Ari!?

Goddamn, I didn't know you swung that way! Any other interesting facts I had no idea about you?"

Jecka never told me what I was babbling about. She said she's gonna take it to the grave, but I think she doesn't remember either.

N:"Emiwy woo.. Idwdertwoo... pwlls... ded..."

J:"AND Emily? Sex on pills!? Wow, that's a nice triangle you had going! One's a doormat and the other's complete psycho!

Okay, but seriously, keep talking. We're almost the-"

i f t h e g o d i s n t w a t c h i n g

w h o i s

a n d w h e r e w i l l h e t a k e u s

t h i s t i m e

J:"WHAT THE f*ck!?!? DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!"

Through that whole out of body trip, I remember one bitchslap on my face breaking through. But it could've been just me smashing my face from what happened next.

J: "Sit your ass down! If I won't keep my eyes on the rOHMYGO-"

C R A A A S H H H

Chapter 7: Morning In Snow White

Chapter Text

...

Jecka:"... I mean it doesn't look that bad.

...

But it won't start either... and something's leaking from the front

uhh, oil? f*ck, it's the radiator."

Ramming a deer at 50mph in the middle of pitch dark nowhere brought me back into the sack of meat that was my body. Unfortunately, I couldn't immediately share my spiritual experience with Jecka because I was still going through a withdrawal seizure in the rear of her trashed car.

J:"What am I supposed to do!? Damnit, that car-obsessed jock could be of use right now!

Nic... Nicole!?"

Nicole:"Webwe... mwelwmmm..."

J:"You're alive, good, haah... It's no use I'm calling an ambulance. f*ck, why didn't you jus-"

Can't read my, can't ready my~

J:"M-mom?

My friend is having a seizure! I was taking her... I know I'm late, that's what I'm saying! No, I won't. I just crashed into a deer!

Yes, it is an excuse! Dad's not dying MY FRIEND IS! I will be talking to you like that bec... YES! No I don't care!

...

To the clinic!? What are you nuts!? Just pull them off, wash with cold water, the gel, it's not that f*cking hard! I need to call 9... Take away my stuff all you want. Bye!"

I'll get him hot, show him what I got~

J:"Just stop... Oh? Oh is that so? And who's been telling me to not use a phone wile driving? Hah! Beat it!

That's your paint job, not mine."

^{"Hey! get out of the way! You're the one who cut me off! You and your... now YOU watch your mouth, young ma-"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!}

J:Oh my God! Mom... mom what's happening!? Mom!

^{BLAM! BLAM!}

MOM!?"

...

...

^{Heavy polysubstance withdrawal.}

^{Administering diazepam, 5 milligrams.}

^{Let's get an IV started, 500 mililiters of saline, stat.}

^{Seizures stabilizing but vitals aren't looking good. Electrolytes!}

^{f*ck! So much for that... I need antiemetics!}

^{Get us a crash cart! Respiratory!}

...

...

Nicole:"Mmmm..."

From Jecka's leather backseat, I was taken to a hospital. Two tubes in my nose, drip jacked into the arm. It was... bad. But not the violently kind of bad. I had a sense of the fact it was so just a few hours earlier, as they put me in an adult diaper and my ass felt ithy like I already went through a few of them.

f*cking humiliating.

But not as much to want to kill myself, or maybe... I just didn't feel like it?

Nah, the 2009 Stanley Cup on the TV above and being in the same room with half-dead elderly sure made me feel like it. The smell, ugh. But I was too weak to do that. I wouldn't be able to open the window to my left with two hands.

Nurse:"She's up!

Hey there! How are you feeling today?"

Ni:"I dunno... How long was I out?"

Nu:"Eleven hours. Did you have a good sleep?"

Ni:"... as long as I wasn't violated through that time?"

Nu:"Ah... eeee... Well, no. You weren't. I can assure you that.

Now let's do a health checkup and some basic paperwork. You'll be out in no time."

By the time we got to the insurance side of things, everything was covered but a two hundred bucks on top of the bill. Mom came and paid it off to not ruin our credit score.

And I knew nothing good would come out of that.

Against the nurse's nagging, I took a walk after she left me. And in the afternoon mob of people, Jecka was biting her nails off in a chair.

N:"Jecka... Psst, hey!"

...

N:"Uh, what happened?"

J:"MY DAD WAS SHOT BY A ROADRAGING NI██ER! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!"

...

...

...

Dropping a hard n-word in the middle of a hall was no good even for our time. Folks gave us both a glance but I'm sure there's yet a decade until something like this will get you lynched outside of ghetto.

...

N:"Oh... um. That's bad.

Let's sit down. Go from the start."

J:"Mom called 911 to have Dad's bandages changed but the dispatcher said this isn't an emergency.

And because I didn't come home on time she decided to drive him there herself.

When she was scolding me through a phone some guy cut her off and she rear-ended him.

And then walked out of the car AND JUST STARTED SHOOTING!"

In under a minute, she was bawling her eyes out. For a cul-de-sac highschool graduate, she had a bad history with guns. And in my once-in-a-million sober state.

I pitied her.

A bit. Don't expect much.

J:Mom's deaf, but dad... doctor said it was something big.... a caliber-something! His liver's in pieces! They have him on life support! Saying there's blood poisoning or something! And mum is a veggie this entire time!

What the f*ck am I supposed to do!?"

N:"Jecka, slow down and listen to me now.

I'm very... sorry that this had happened to you.

Before you start lashing out at everyone... I'm your best choice. If I was smart enough to be high and didn't have a seizure, none of this would have happened. I..."

I'm sure as hell she saw a ghost behind me."

J:"... are you okay?"

...

N:"Now that you made me self-conscious about it, no I'm not. Better you than me, I hate you, I'm done."

...

sigh

I crashed right next to her, tired of life as much as she was. Maybe some profound follow up was brewing in my throat. Maybe one bad trip and a minute of clarity was all it took to undo eighteen years of bullsh*t life. Maybe if, against my hate for emotions, I'd open up with something genuine to her, a whole goddamn wheel of history would be changed.

Unfortunately, someone who I wish got shot and f*cked by ten gangb*ngers at once, decided to show up and ruin the moment.

Nicole's Mom:"There you are young lady! Trying to run away again?"

Chapter 8: Above Average Argument

Chapter Text

Nicole's Mom: "Get in the car. We're going home for what might be your last time."

Jecka: "Uh, Nic-"

Like never before that hag yanked me by the hair and dragged through the packed hospital hall. If I just swiped a used syringe or something it would be right in her neck.

Nicole: "Mom... MOM! What the f*ck!?"

NM: "Drug fueled adventures on the first day of your first legal summer! In public! How excellent of you!"

N: "Woman, I'm in here because of a withdrawal!"

NM: "Excuses! If you hadn't gotten high to impress your classmates for years in the first place, none of this would have happened!"

N: "I did that sh*t to check off your 'get along with other kids' box!"

NM: "And now you're doing it for the sake of it! Move it! No one else has to listen to this!"

In no shape to slap that bitch in the face, she threw me into the changing room.

NM: "Any other interesting events you want to tell me about?"

N: "My friend crashed while driving me to a hospital and then her dad got shot. Couldn't find out more."

NM: "Even with others you're a leech. Way to show off your true colors."

Oh hell no.

N: "... The f*ck you mean by true colors!? One day you call me a drug junkie, next you pretend we're a normal family! If you gotta berate me at least make up your mind!"

NM: "Oh I've made up my mind! We're going to have a looong talk about this!"

Back home.

NM: "It's time for you to learn about personal responsibility and have a taste of some ACTUAL adult life. Getting high will not make these things go away."

N: "Easy for you to say, pill dispenser."

NM: "And funny for you to say. I've gotten so stable recently that you ended up starving."

N: "And almost died. Way to go, mom."

NM: "I did my parental duty and raised you. Now it's time for you to behave like a grown person."

N: "What, you want me to start doing 9-5? Save up for your retirement? I didn't ask to be born. Beat it, bitch."

NM: "I'll spare you that chore, keep the money to yourself.

And expenses."

...

N: "You're kicking me out?"

NM: "What, did you expect college? Even if I had the money, you'd drop out. I'm open for trade school ideas though."

N: "Ew what the f*ck, no... I'll do with just being pretty and having men do everything for me."

NM: "Whatever you do, I wish you best, because in two weeks your plan will need to house and feed you."

...

N: "Two weeks? Not even a whole summer?"

NM: "Adults don't get holidays by default, Nicole. We have to work for them."

N: "Two weeks isn't sh*t! How do you expect me to get on my feet!?"

NM: "You are a crafty liar and manipulator, use your talents. What will be your career choice? Arby's? GameStop?"

N: "Greasy fatties or greasy fat gamers are not a good pool of choice! Kicking out your kids at 18 is exatly what caused the Recession!"

NM: "What caused the Recession is a generation of lazy freeloaders that can't pull themselves by their bootstraps!"

N: "This is the most boomer sh*t I've ever heard! You're not THAT f*cking old!"

NM: "Well there HAS to be a REASON why we own houses while you kids rent attics!"

N: "Attics!?

Oh.

Attics.

Are you talking about that fat f*ck floor above, hm?"

...

NM:"We are not talking about him, Nicole. We are talking about you."

...

N:"Of course we don't. We never do. He's a non-issue.

But now that I think about it, isn't his useless ass behind almost all of this?"

NM:"Nicole..."

N:"Evictions... restraining orders... bailing him out of ch█d p*rn..."

NM:"... You're pushing it."

N:"Me and you.

The f*ckups we are today.

We'd be at least half less worse people if not for him.

Weird for me to get so thoughtful like that, but you know I'm right.

Maybe good enough to have a normal conversation once in a while, united in the sh*t that happened to us both.

But no.

He's a non-issue.

Ever thought about that?"

...

NM: "I will not be listening to any of this."

N:"You never listen to anything.

I'll give you credit on the hard work though. You at least tried to freeload, like Jecka's mom.

But after getting dumped by eight guys in a row it just makes sense to s-"

S L A P

...

...

...

NM:"I told you it'll happen many times over!

Don't touch that subject!

Why did you make me do this!?"

...

sigh

NM:"Either way, two weeks."

And don't think about touching the trust fund. You'll still get your monthly, but don't expect any raise."

N:"... I'm calling the cops."

NM:"Go on then. Pray they'll take me. Otherwise those two weeks will turn into less than a day."

...

Now go take a shower. You stink like if some homeless man had a way with you when you were out."

...

N:"Yeah. See you tomorrow."

Chapter 9: Protect and Serve

Chapter Text

On the second day of the summer I was still pretty light on pill hunger. Whatever they stuffed me with had to be a very good substitute. Not only that I got prescriptions for myself and mom was actually willing to get me this supply, so... yay a near-death seizure?

... but now her medicine cabinet was locked with a chain and a remote alarm hooked up to her phone. On the last day I'd rip it apart for sure, but I had to take the most of my two week deadline.

Feeling charitable, through a man I was surprised would help me in the first place, I found the detective working on Jecka's family case. I took it to the Lake Braddock Park, where he was casually strolling on the beat instead of solving an attempted homicide.

Cop:"Sorry lady, but that's a classified information."

Nicole:"Oh come on! Don't make it sound so important! It's just another hood shootout!"

C:"Yeah, a hood shootout WITH a white middle-class causality."

N: "And that's my friend's dad! I gotta know! What happened back there!?"

C:"Nuh-uh. Won't do. It's an undergoing investigation and I'm not losing my job over dumb sh*t. Now get lost."

...

N:"Dumb sh*t? Like that one time you got a thighf*ck from a black hooker on someone's backyard?"

...

C:"Wait..."

N: "In the middle of scene investigation?

Key witness of a night drive-by?

MS-13?

And you didn't even write her down?"

C:"Whoa, whoa, whoa!"

N:"All for an ass hump? How long did you last anyway? Two, three minutes?"

C:"How did you...

Zip it!"

N:"Why? Because your boss was reassigned from Baltimore's C.R.A.S.H.? Straight up Klanner? He'd hate to learn his favorite white boy is lusting over a disgusting n-

C:"f*ck! Stop it! Alrightalrightalright!

Just not here!

...

What. Do. You. Want."

N:"Just spill the beans dude. They're not accepting special-eds into our department... yet?

C:"Okay! But keep it shut I'm begging you! If this comes out it won't be just about the career anymore!

...

Hah... Right. So. Two days ago 11 p.m. North of the Springfield Interchange.

White Bronco with a white suburb NOVA couple. They got cut off right on the exit by a low-rider Impala, six people total."

N:"Yeah?"

C:"Guy hits the brakes on the first intersection, Ford woman didn't make it, classic rear-end."

Chevy crew immediately gets pissed, driver steps out of the car and starts throwing hands on the windows. Eyewitness says everything was fine until the woman talked back."

N:"So he's the guy?"

C:"No. Kid in the backseat pulled out a fifty-caliber Desert Eagle and blasted five rounds in their direction."

N: "That sounds... bad? Like, worse than an average 'somebody was shot' news?"

C:"Hell yeah, that's a f*cking handcannon. Average hood boy packs a worn-out Taurus or a thirty-eight snubnose. That sh*t could go through our SWAT vests."

N:"Listen, I'm a white chick, not a gun nut. Get over it already!"

C: "Uh, yeah! So he fired five times with a gangster grip... and nailed his friend twice."

N: "Ouch."

C:"First shattered the shoulder blade, bone splinters all over the windshield. Trajectory was right on woman's face. If not for that friendly fire the cracked glass alone wouldn't deflect it enough and..."

N:"Brain slushie."

C:"Mhm. Few misses all over the car, second hit goes through the black guy's side as he's retreating TOWARDS his crew, the windshield, front passenger seat, and into the man's liver. He jumped in and another passenger took the wheel for a getaway."

N:"Ah damn.

How bad was it?"

C:"Woman got a shellshock so tight she was frozen solid ten minutes after our CSI arrived, even when the ambulance took her. White guy's liver was in pieces, after that paramedics took over. Ask hospital about him."

N:"I tried...

I'm being way too emotional... I'm not myself... sh*t, what is going on with me..."

C:"No, no, no I'm begging you! Let me go kid! That crazy bastard will write me off the precinct in two calls! He breaks down doors with a no-knock just to get back at people!

You can beat your wife when you're a cop, but this son of a bitch will get me! Max sentence like never in America just to screw me over!

Pleeeaaaseee!"

N:"Dude! Shut up! I'm like, having emotions and feelings and sh*t right now! Ugh...

I just... wanted to know everything without asking Jecka anymore.

But if you're so eager to do your civil duty..."

C:"Yes! Yes, yes yes!"

N:"I dunno...

Kill him?"

...

C: "What!?

N: "What? You shoot black kids for no reason all the time. Can't handle a single gangsta once in a while?

C: "It's not about that! It's just not how it works! I'm a detective grunt! I can't make up a warrant outta nowhere!

N: "Rock, thick ass, and a hard place. That's what you got yourself between and now you gotta dig yourself out.

I want to see the good news on all Big Three cables by the end of the summer and I don't care how you'll get them."

C: "B-bu... but... wait!"

...

I hooked it like a friendly jogger girl after asking for directions.

...

N:"Bye bye officer! Protect and serve!"

Chapter 10: Too Much Thinking

Chapter Text

And on the third day, Nicole threw up.

For hours and all over the place. First all the breakfast came out, then nondescript slime, and finally diarrhea followed. Opioid withdrawal is not pretty, and very much monotonous.

Sleep, eat, sh*t, repeat.

I ended up at the hospital again, no Jecka in sight. This time less violently, and I got a fix of premium stuff again. Clonidine, methadone, and an electrolyte drip.

Nicole's Mom:Be glad you're getting the easy way out. I can't imagine what you would look like with just a pure detox.

They did an excellent job. Just enough to function, too weak to try to get my fix by force, too high to manipulate others into getting it for me. And whatever mom bought ended up rationed.

Nicole: ^{"Go to hell..."}

At that point I was only thinking about that pill bottle I left at school because of how infuriatingly dumb it was of me. The precious supply I sliced like a school lunch.

Stuff to keep the bad thoughts away.

All thoughts.

Any thoughts.

...

Time was molding and folding in on itself. It always did, sure, but not in that way. Through having no plans to live past my 20's and by being high out of my mind, present kept flying by. Days were moments that came and go, people nothing more than blips who you don't care to remember. Present didn't matter and therefore couldn't become the past, I couldn't be haunted by it.

It was all good.

But now the past that already was has gotten its hands on my neck like that fat f*ck Colby in one of the nightmares I had.

It wasn't letting go

I never had a long standing home. Building, after building, after building. There was no feel to them, no atmosphere, only the walls and stuff inside. Yet all the living rooms there ever been combined into this one hom*ogeneous image. Voices of younger me kept coming in, like if she was right besides me.

Shut up.

Stop it.

This isn't real.

I never ran around with toys. I never brought in a friend for a sleepover. Mom never asked me about what I was watching. We never made collages together. Boyfriend... the hell... are you nuts... I... Dad... no. No.

No.

...

...

...

Why the f*ck is this happening.

Am I dying? Are those my life's regrets?

Bullsh*t. Then why didn't I see any of this before? When I cut my wrists or put cigs to them?

Why some pains feels different than others.

I don't like it.

Emotions suck.

...

Lying on the couch, cold sweat, staring at the ceiling in middle of the summer had to be my biggest life lesson.

And I don't mean it sarcastically, or ironically, or subversively, or deconstructively.

There is nothing to be sarcastic about.
Nothing to sprinkle irony on.
Nothing to subvert or deconstruct.

There is nothing there.

In a room of infinite mirrors you can throw self-deprecating humor at them only for so long. All the loathing you have for yourself just keeps bouncing back like a ball, bringing no value to your reflection, chipping away on the years long layers of gunk and other sh*t you'd do better without but keep covering yourself in out of compulsive, f*cked up habit.

Before you are left with nothing but your bare disgusting self.

Missing limbs and organs from all the artificiality and fakeness forcefully torn out of you. One you keep out of shame before others and disgust with yourself.

To think I tried to be a 'different bitch' huh...

Now without any of it, for a second, life felt pretty damn light.

...

I knew what I needed to do.

And I was full of all the wrong reasons to do it.

...

Didn't even need to move once. If this kind of therapy was available at school, I might've turned out more normal. Still a drug addict for sure, but more to look cool than anything. Cool enough to look forward to things than just break them.

I wonder what this 'me' would be like.

NM: "Nicole? I'm coming in."

s l i i i d e

NM: "Chamomile tea. And vitamins. I'll have a green smoothie ready in a hot minute... unless..."

N: "Why?"

NM: "Because it's good for you?"

N: "Why now? Just beat the f*ck out of your disappointment. I'm right here. Defenseless."

NM: "...doctor said that's to be expected. You're not being yourself. Here, drink up."

...

N: "Why, you two faced, gaslighting, mood swinging hag! Hgnh!"

NM: "Easy there!"

N: "Why now... haah... of all moments?"

...

NM:"... you seem like you're trying."

N:"Bitch, I'm trying to not die.

You wouldn't care if I hanged myself after getting hogged for sex by a bunch of dudes."

...

NM: "Don't say that.

I would be heartbroken."

N: "The only thing breaking is your ego. Take your f*cking pills or just feed it on someone else.

Hehe...

I f*cking hate you but we're really alike. We can't stop sucking others dry for to feed our ego."

NM: "Nicole, please stop. You're talking nonsense."

N: "So go ahead. Keep being the emotional gaslighting vamp and charge up your batteries. Such a good momma~

You'll relieve yourself on me like hot piss soon enough..."

...

NM: "Sweetie, I know we're both in a hard spot. Nicole, I have never seen you in a state like this, this is the worst and best spot of your life you've ever been in, I-"

h o l d

N: "Get your f*cking hands off me. Touch my hand like that again and I'll bite off your fingers."

...

...

...

NM: "There is paperwork I need to get to the hospital, okay? Take your time, if you need to get up then only to the kitchen, there's fresh cut peaches in the fridge... I need to go-"

She went flying out to the doorstep like that one time Emily got to chew out her ass. f*ck, what a shame this never went anywhere, she was a one hardcore junkie.

...

But I wasn't there to contemplate other bitches. I wanted to be one.

So I got up and hit the road.

There was a burnt pile of papers I needed to dig up.

Chapter 11: Con Artist or Amateur Blackmail?

Chapter Text

Nicole: "Where is it, where is it... It didn't rain and nobody cleans this heap of trash either, it has to be..."

With Jecka's car, we took the recruiter's stuff to Lake Accotink and had a laugh sorting it there. Without a ride of my own, I took the bus.

rustle rustle

It was awful. I could've been there faster even with my withdrawal cripple walk.

The moment summer starts the barely alive public transport just goes into a hibernation. Gotta stimulate that car monopoly by giving no alternatives.

N:"... there you are!

...

Only the outer layer of the stack burned down. If this was some fraud evidence we'd be f*cked.

Let's see what's left."

crunch swipe swipe

N: "Don't know, don't know, Kylar, half of him at least..."

The final bargaining chip was already crumpled in my pocket.

N:"... and mine."

click

N: "This should do. His number... better pick up, army man."

duuuuuuuu duuuuuuuu

...

beep

Recruiter: "Marine Corps Recruitment Center, 4th District Richmond Virginia, Sergeant Daniel Bennet.

How may I help you?"

N: "Sup Benny."

R: "... you."

N: "So what do you think, hm?"

...

R: "About what?"

N: "You got the photos?"

R: "No?"

...

...

...

N: "Dude you're f*cking ruining it!"

R: "Woman, I'm using a '96 StarTAC!"

N: "Ew! You need me to send you a FAX or something!?"

R: "Why the hell are you even calling me?"

N: "There's touchscreens out already! Anything older than two years is a junk anyway!"

R: "You know I can just track down the signal and get the cops on you and your friend's sorry ass? You stole military documents! Government property!"

N: "Try me.

I have a stack of empty agreement forms that you finished ahead of time. The kind of stuff your cattle needs to read back-to-back before handing over THEIR asses to you."

...

R: "That one's on me. sh*t, got me by the sac.

What do you want?"

N: "Get me into Marines."

...

...

...

R: "Okay?

Couldn't we just do it like that from the start?"

N: "Bitch I was as serious as you were with us! And I wouldn't qualify me anyway, so now you gotta make me passable."

R: "So what changed?"

N: "Life changed. And stuff.

...

I got nowhere to go but want to get away from this sh*thole. Maybe piss off my mom."

...

R:Alright Cinderella, I'm writing up a new form."

N: "Good. Make me into... some butch-hunk-amazon-whatever. Pure like a virgin's tear and full of patriotism.

Like those crazy hillbillies with millions of support stickers on their pickups, just no Confederate flags."

R: "Mhm. You're going for the Reserve?"

N: "What's the difference?"

R: "You want to go home and be a civvie after the boot camp?"

N: "f*ck no, I'm all in!"

R: "Anything else?"

N: "How much rehab to pass the drug tests?"

...

R: "Depends. What stuff are you on?

N: "Robo, Fenty, Addies, Zannies, Oxy, Vic... I had a three day break though, only methadone now."

R: "Jesus Christ, why are you even trying...

...

Hair follicle test is your biggest roadblock. 90 days."

N: "No way. Even if I were to actually go clean, I'm going back the moment I'm in."

R: "We do make repeated screenings, you know that?"

N: "... sh*t. Whatever."

R: "If you want to get through it quicker, detox shampoo is your guy.

Except all of the expensive stuff is bullsh*t. You need the cheapest, smelliest, most gag inducing stuff that will ruin your hair. The more weird sounding acids, the better.

N: "Sounds wonderful."

R: "My mate did the DIY method of vinegar, salicylic acid, and powder detergent for a week. Cut him down to just 60 days."

N: "Just!? The f*ck am I supposed to do in two months?"

R: "Work on your body through the summer to not end up in the Porkchops.

As for hair, you can always shave bald on the 30 day mark. Buzz cut by the time you'll roll in, fits the 'bitch' archetype."

N: "If I'll have to spend just a second looking like a chemo kid... I'm ending it right here and now."

R: "Then please do me a favor and jump off somewhere high enough.

Chicks shouldn't be in the military even on the white-collar level. You're already bad with the voting.

Only reason I'm going through this is because you have a gun to my head."

N: "So shut the f*ck up and keep writing! Ugh give me that whole summer, I'll work it through."

R: "13-week starts on first Monday of the month. At MEPS, you'll get a motel room on Uncle Sam's expense. If you're taking mid-August for ASVAB, your basic will start at September 7th. You in?"

N: "Kinda late, but too late to pull out too. Mid-August."

R: "So be it. 10th. Skirt and a junkie, what this world has gone into...

...

Can I now get my papers back?"

N: "Uhh, I burned half of them before I changed my mind and snapped the pics?"

R: "GODDAMNIT WOMAN!"

Chapter 12: Signing The Deal

Chapter Text

After all that, we met up at the Silver Dinner. This time I wasn't crawling in my own puke at the doorstep.

Nicole: "Four years... I'll be twenty two."

Recruiter: "If you won't decide to sprain your ankle on purpose to get out earlier of course.

On August 10th you will appear at Fort Greg-Addams. Evaluation, drug tests... The only thing I didn't have to fudge about is your criminal record. You're legit and I'm honestly ."

I had all the paperwork spoofed and explained to me by an old man whose career was at my gunpoint.

If this is what military can be, an unhealthy power trip over people's lives, I'm down for it.

Nicole: "Fort... not the f*cking PG! I hoped to never see the place anymore.

Can't we just skip all that?"

R: "You're killing me...

I'm setting you up with every lie and advantage there is!"

N: "I mean, I've got some connections there, just... man I hate the place."

R: "That two month transformation idea of yours though? I think you're hopeless even for the National Guard.

Still, score the bare-minimum on ASVAB, pass the basic, and I'll drive to the Parris Island myself to salute my Sergeant ass to a fresh Private.

Now, your end of the deal."

slide

S L A M

N: "Half. Rest for a fifty bucks. I need a cab and food for a friend."

R: "Sly whor*. Are all kids like this these days?"

s w i p e

N: "Here's the rest... but since you don't care about them, I'll keep the photos of those papers."

R: "Hey that wasn't the deal! Get back here!"

N: "Throw away that ancient brick of a phone then we'll talk again!"

I had to see Jecka at the hospital.

Not because of moral obligations of course

...

The f*ck were you thinking?

Trauma from a dying dad was too much of an opportunity to pass on. I had to push that 'good friend' persona as much as possible. Make my bitchiness look like a high school only thing that passed the instant our f*cked up social ladder was over.

It didn't.

Everything to keep her close, in debt, and full of guilt. I knew she would be my only reliable backup, even before the whole kicking out of the house deal. If neither of us were in a desperate and f*cked up life situation, we'd both only see each other after that graduation encounter and never again.

Doctor: "Ma'am, it's still too early for any conclusions. The organs are stable and no infection has occurred yet. But even with healing abilities of a liver, 48 hours is still not enough to see any results."

Jecka's Mom: "There has to be something! I don't know, radiology!? Biopsy! They do it on House all the time!"

D: "Both procedures are both pointless and very straining. We're dealing with a physical damage that needs to work itself out by itself.

After this surgery, we can only wait."

They were at the reception, talking with docs. Both blondie, with bags under their eyes, and demolished nails from all the biting. She really was one-to-one copy of her.

N: "Pssst! Hey!"

I shook that take-out bag of fries and BigMac like a cat feed to a stray.

Jecka: "..."

She sure looked like one. Or like a combat vet.

Funny to think about from perspective of time.

chomp nom nom

I never had a stress eating. I'd rather starve myself when ridden with guilt or pain over something. It's better to be a lean low-life than whatever my brother was.

But on that bench at the hospital's entrance, I knew she was chewing for both reasons. This must be what I looked like when she saved my sorry ass.

N: "Damn, I didn't take a drink... should I take one from the machine?"

J: "No. T... gulp... thanks."

N: "You're in a one f*cked up spot and I'm bad at empathy so I won't sugarcoat it.

What are you two up to?"

J: "We... wait. Surgery put dad in a coma, there was blood poisoning from the liver damage, but no bacterial infection. It was busted into three pieces and sewn back together.

We don't know if he's making it or not."

Seriously, with nobody in my life to project 'getting shot' tragedy on... I kinda couldn't relate. Or care.

And I mean at the present time.

Dad doesn't count.

He did it to himself anyway.

J: ".. got any Xan? I could use a brain shutdown right now."

N: "Same, but... mom locked everything up in a safe."

All I'm getting is a rationed methadone and clonidine patches. With no school to buy or sell from anymore I'm down on luck. I also throw up and sh*t wet all the time."

c r u n c h

J: "Damn, rwelly? Behter twan being lohed-up in a rwewab yourshelw I guesh."

N: "You're spilling sauce on your tit*."

J: "Mhm. Mom took my sh*t too... I mean hers... I mean she took it all at once.

...

When she found out about my boobie stash she hit me in the head with a spatula we use for pancakes. The metal one.

...

Pulled it right out, crushed up, and snorted on the spot. Bruise's covered with hair so I'm still pretty."

That one I could relate to. Had to touch my cheek. It wasn't swollen a whole lot but still warm to the touch. I barely had to fake anything.

N: "... Huh. That's not something you normally tell about her."

J: "Like, it's not the usual 'turn off the emotions' anymore for her.She took more than prescribed dose but never actually snorted...I saw people get crazy, OD all the time, and...

...if our life goes any worse, she's going down the deep end. I know it."

N: "Man, that's tough."

J: "Why won't you just break the thing open? It can't be a safe 'safe' right? Like the place you hide guns from a toddler, right?"

N: "I'm getting kicked out of the house in two weeks. I'll try on the second last day."

J: "Whoa, like... she won't let you get a job to stay?"

N: "Bitch beat me up so I guess she's serious."

...

...

J: "So, wanna rob the place together?"

N: "No? I like having a roof over my head?"

J: "Maybe some pharmacy then? I really need my fix."

N: "The f*ck? That's not like the usual you. You're not that despe-"

J: "BITCH MY DAD IS f*ckING DYING! MOM THINKS OF DOING HARD DRUGS AND WE HAVE BARELY ANY INCOME! I AM DESPERATE!"

N: "And I'm sorry for it.

...

I couldn't finish the last time, but I wanted to really drive it home that I mean it.

Neither of us are ourselves right now. If you are blaming me, or worse, yourself for what happened to your Dad, then ple-"

J: "NonononicolenononoI'msorryI'msorryohmygosh ah! Hah! I'm sowwywhydidIsaythatohmygoooshhh aaaahhh!"

In ten seconds I had her crying into my chest. With my brain clear like never before I realized how a little of fake kindness can go a long way. f*ck yeah, Nicole the Kind and Helpful.

N: "Okay... okay. I never did that before, but... I'm here?"

J: "Bweeeeeeeeeeee!"

N: "You're getting my tit* all teary. Go for the shoulder for a bit, hm?"

N: "... Yeah right."

J: "WHYISITHAPPENING! WHYISEVERYTHINGFALLINGAPART! IJUSTLEFTSCHOOLIMSCARED! IDONTWANTITNONEOFIT!"

N: "Keep crying, let it all out... I mean it, snuggling alone will make people think we're lesbos."

It sure took her a while. Got my shirt all covered in snot.

N: "Better?"

J: "Yeah... yeah. I'm sorry... y-your shirt-"

N: "I'll live. Now, get me some time to pay off your nails? Pretty pleeease~"

J: "Sure, yes yes yes I... hah. I was about to ask you too.

What are you up to yourself?"

...

...

...

Nicole: "I'm going to the Marines."

Chapter 13: Breaking The News

Chapter Text

Jecka: "What?"

Nicole: "I said I'm going to the Marines."

J: "Wait wait wait, where did that come from?"

N: "Gotta do something, yeah? I just enlisted."

J "... you're not... being serious right now."

N: "My MEPS paper right here. Two months and I'm off for-"

N: "Whoa, Jesus stop screeching... uhh, still keeping it in? Need another hug?"

J: "No you re█ard! You're not supposed to say sh*t like this! Not so quick! Delay the reveal, blueball me or something, not smash my skull with it... gaaah! What the hell is wrong with you!?"

N: "Uhh...

I don't get it.

I thought the exact opposite would be best? Cut the crap and get to the point?"

J: "Bitch!?

No!?

I can't process the past three days of my life and you're throwing another boulder onto that pile!"

N: "What are you expecting me to do, talk like a cartoon? Exposition and monologue out loud?

Damn, do women really think like this?"

J: "Yes! You're not a dude for it to go over your head!"

N: "I'm not acting like a bitchy-ass blonde though."

J: "Aaaahh! This is stupid, gay, I don't know! I don't have a word for it anymore! There's so many ways to make cash, why that!? You-"

N: "... why do you care?"

...

...

...

N: "Besides having a trauma-induced mood swing and a SEVERE projection of calling me a re█ard, why do you give a damn? Am I that important?"

J: "W-what question even is this!? You owe me sh*t and you'll probably fall into an even bigger debt later so I BETTER care!

Also, that's suicidal!"

N: "... duh?"

beep beep

J: "More than just 'I cut myself at school' suicidal! We did that sh*t because we couldn't pull through with life, to look cool, same reasons we took pills like candy!

Reactionary bitches like those anti-gun activists after mass shootings!"

N: "Done yet?"

J: "And now our school is over! Columbine had its tenth anniversary and that's it! There was a hype, but now it's out of style! It's done!"

N: "And that's exactly why I'm joining? To be something else than an emo junkie stuck with, I dunno, Emily? While you're out there, getting bachelor's degree and working out five times a week?"

J: "Didn't we make fun of this sh*t just a few days ago?"

buuuzzz bzzzz

N: "Yeah, but did you see that money dude?

Like, look at this flyer~

I know Afghanistan is in full go, but they don't let women into combat anyway."

J: "BITCH!? There are MILLIONS of things to do but that! Leech off dudes and dump them! Blackmail them for some more! You're a hot white chick!

Hot! White! CHICK!

Like that Al Pacino movie! The World Is Yours! Except nobody is gonna gun you down, unlike in the army!"

Damn, she actually watched it.

N: "Unless, you're like, at 7-Eleven, during an armed rob-"

J: "W-whatever! You're dodging the point! Do you really NOT give a sh*t!? Those horndogs that hadn't seen a live woman for months are gonna rip you to shreds in the showers and, and... sh*t!

What kind of crap hit you in the head to come up with this!? I saved your ass out of a seizure! If you want to die just kill yourself right here and now!"

N: "You're actually pointing it out, damn... I didn't think we're on that level."

...

...

...

J: "I saw you dying in my backseat. That's enough of an excuse to care."

N: "Whatever you think, remember that I'm always there fo-"

J: "Shut up, you're sarcastic, I can smell it, lame, lame, worked the first time, shut up, shut up... just...

...

Ugh, what are we even arguing about..."

N: "I was about to ask the same."

click
(5) NEW MESSAGE

J: "If you want things to stay 'okay' between us... just go away and let me think about stuff. I need time."

...

N: "Alright, but you sure you won't do anything stupid yourself? Like stealing to get your fix?"

J: "And why do you care?"

N: "College is gay as f*ck, like why would you want more school?

It'd still be a shame to see you ruin it though."

J: "... I didn't think we're on that level."

N: "Pff~

Now, I have more things to do and only my legs to get around."

J: "You don't expect me to borrow my car again, don't you? It's getting fixed."

N: "Nah, I'll be needing these long walks from now on.

Damn, that sh*t's so out-of-character for me."

...

Nicole, honey.
I am a woman who made and still makes terrible mistakes in life.

And I'm not looking for any way to excuse myself before you.
What I did to you was horrible, unfair, and fueled by bad emotions.

Whatever I think of your current self, my goal was always to release you into the world ready to take on its challenges.
My poorly judged decision doesn't help you at all, and I'm sure there's alternative for both of us to come up with.

When you come back we can discuss your future like adults, one that I hadn't behaved like for the past few days. I guess I'll need my regular pills again.

I love you.
Just in case, dinner, tea, and meds will be at the table.

J: "Either way, don't f*ck up your life any more."

N: "Oh I won't. And I might just be able to clutch this... see ya tomorrow!"

I jogged those miles to the house through the city center and even risked it going along the highway. With meds on, I was doing damn good. If I could just beg out a whole summer for myself, this story would have less logs thrown under my feet.

I expected something else out of life other than disappointment.

Should've known better.

Chapter 14: Didn't Go As Planned

Chapter Text

Nicole: "Hey ma, I'm back~"

I was home, ready to play her game on my own terms. So focused she immediately noticed something was up.

Nicole's Mom: "Yes, yes yes yes, you're here. Gosh I should've just given you the second dose on your way out. I can see you're trying to get out of this like never before, I swear I-"

N: "Yooo, mooom, reeelaaax~ You wanted to sit down and talk, right?"

NM: "Yes, two weeks isn't enough. I was spewing dumb things, this doesn't make sense, nothing does, what is this house even-"

N: "Sit. Down."

NM: "Sigh... what were you up to today?"

N: "Oh, just took a long walk, met up with Jecka at the hospital, a few guys too..."

NM: "... I see?

Wait. No no no, here's tea, here's food, here's...

...

JEREMY! GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

...

^{Nicole's Brother: "What the hell do you want!?"}

NM: "Watch your damn mouth you manchild! There's a big change coming in this house and if you won't get down here right now you're the first one on the chopping block!"

The way she stormed upstairs to drag his bloated assdownwas as serious as it could get.

stomp stomp
knock knock knock
click
rustle rustle
SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM
K I C K

^{NM: "I TOLD YOU THAT LOCKING YOUR ROOM IS OFF LIMITS! How many times do I have to say it!?"}

^{NB: "Get lost! I deserve privacy! And I didn't do nothing!"}

^{NM: "You never do ANYTHING!"}

Knowing there's no way to pull out this humanoid abomination out of its den without an offering, I got ready for a solo show. Just break the news and make a deal for a whole summer at house.

NM: "Nicole... haah... aah... damnit. I won't pry them open. He's got a lock on his side, sh*t..."

N: "Now, take it easy, can't have your ticker popping just before the good news right?"

There was no way to f*ck it up.

NM: "Hah, yes. That would be disappointing for sure.

...

Um, what were you up to that you're mentioning good news? Successful job hunting?"

N: "... you could put it that way."

I was on a roll. Cops, soldiers, all eating out of my hand. She'd be next in the web and even willingly, win-win for both of us.

NM: "Nicole, you're REALLY fixing your drug problem. This is unlike anything I've ever seen in you, since, ever.

Listen, all I said, it was pointless. If you're going to contribute by at least taking on a bit of expense-"

N: "With this one I'll be getting rid of your expenses on me altogether."

NM: "You're worrying me with that tone. Just what kind of business idea have you got in your mi-"

N: "The government."

...

NM: "Well I suppose 'the government is always right' rule applies. So what is it that you're going to do exactly?"

N: "Who knows? Once I'll pass the entrance exam they'll know what I'm good at."

I slid that piece of paper right under her nose like a checkmate. At the time I didn't know if I was trying to impress her or piss her off, probably changed my mind twice along the way.

RECRUITER: SGT. DANIEL BENNETT

MARINE CORPS RECRUITMENT CENTER

4TH DISTRICT RICHMOND VIRGINIA

NICOLE SMITH

ELIGIBLE FOR SERVICE

DUE AUGUST 10TH 2009, 8:00 AM

FORT GREGG-ADAMS MEPS, 2011 SUSTAINMENT AVE, VA 23801

N: "Pretty neat, huh?

I had the recruiter onto me just by talking, met him on my way out on the last day, he's uh... friendly guy. Totally sane and not repulsive too."

Now I know I clearly did the latter.

NM: "... Is this how you take my kindness?"

And the problem with playing chess against mentally deranged.

N: "Well, yeah? You'll have a topic to chit-chat about with those gossiping hags at work, patriotism never hurt anybody. And of course I'll have mysel-"

NM: "IS THIS HOW YOU f*ckING REPAY ME!?"

N: "Uhh, excuse me? You'll have me out of the house too?"

NM: "OH YOU'LL BE OUT OF THIS HOUSE IN SECONDS WITH THAT SMUG I ASSURE YOU!"

...

N: "Geez, mom. What's the problem?"

NM: "I SPENT EIGHTEEN YEARS RAISING YOU! IF YOU WANTED TO ACTUALLY GET YOURSELF KILLED YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME!"

Is that they can make up rules on the spot.

N: "Whoa, I'll still pretend that you are mentally sane and continue.

Do you think they'll have me doing war and stuff? Women are banned from the infantry, I'll be at like an, office, or something."

NM: "EXCUSES! YOU WANT TWO DECADES OF MY LIFE TO GO TO WASTE!? WAY TO BETRAY YOUR ONLY PARENT!"

And flipping the table on your head may be one of them.

N: "Mom, I'm coming to you with the most f*cking RESPONSIBLE thing in my life and you're immediately going off the rails! Go take your pil-"

S M A C K

Or leaving you with a black eye.

NM: "I will not tolerate this insanity any longer! You have zero respect for me, my life's work, and the time I put into raising you!"

N: "What even is this?! At least come up with something other than gibberish! Do you hate the Army, Marines, women serving!?

For f*ck's sake, for the first time in my life I'm making more sense than you! I don't even have to lie!"

SLAP
SHOVE

...

...

N: "... I see now.

The true colors thing? Those mood swings?

You're projecting."

NM: "Drop this nonsense this instant! Agh- Army is not the place I see you at! You will ruin everything I've done-"

N: "Thighs YOU'VE done? Like, I am not a person anymore? You're the one not making sense! Kicking me out is a-okay but not me getting out on my own?

NM: "THIS ISN'T A CHOICE OF A RESPONSIBLE ADULT!"

N: "And who the hell is grading those? You? Like you are one!

You're projecting so f*cking hard because you're mentally ill! Before you at least made sense and I just didn't give a sh*t, now-"

P U N C H

...

N: "Closed fists, huh... not gonna lie, it feels almost wrong to call someone a re█ard and be right on the mone-"

SMACK SMACK SLAP

N: "STOP HITTING ME YOU BITCH!"

NM: "HOW CAN YO DO THIS TO ME!? BETRAY ME LIKE THAT!? THROWING AWAY EVERYTHING I STOO-"

N: "WHAT AM I BETRAYING!? You're off your meds!"

GRAB
THROW
z o o m
C R A S H

N: "Not onto the floor anymore? Glass in my face? No more games?

f*ck yeah let's do it! I always wanted to see it go down!"

SHOVE RUSTLE
TRIP
CRUSH

N: "Who'll break first!? My twig body or yourf*cked upheart!?"

PUNCH
CRACK
CRASH

NM: "AAAAAAHHH! I SHOULD HAVE SCRUBBED YOU! YOU'D BE BETTER OFF STILLBORN!"

N: "And dad should have taken all three of us with him!"

...

NM: "..."

N: "Yeah. Back when I knocked on his door.

Instead of that cookie monster magnet the first thing I should have seen should be the end of a barrel.

After me, he should've gone to our house as we were moving.

First you, then the fatso. He'd be the last one to notice. Finally himself.

...

...

...

N: "What's that? Throwing hands with your daughter is a-okay but now you're gonna cry?

Woooowww~ Congratulations, MOMMY!

I actually PITY YOU FOR ONCE!"

RUSTLE
BOUNCE
CRACK

N: "What the..."

PUSH
SHOVE
PULL

N: "... what the f*ck!?"

NM: "You don't belong here anymore! IF THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU THEN YOU'RE OFF FOR THE GODDAMN STREET!"

N: "... hng -ah! No! Mom! W-wai..."

GRAB
RUSTLE
THROW
T U M B L E

N: "Haah... hah... hah..."

knock knock knock
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

N: "Mom! At least let me grab my stuff! Or just throw it out through the window!?"

NM: "Nothing here is yours! Everything you ever had you owe to my work!"

N: "Half of my room is paid by my paid dates with teachers!"

NM: "GET LOST YOU UNGRATEFUL DIPsh*t!

ONE MORE MINUTE ON THIS PORCH AND I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

...

...

...

^{Nicole's Brother: "Yo, I'm... what happened he-"}

^{NM: "What are you doing here!? What are you looking at!?"}

^{NB: "You... told me to go down?"}

^{NM: "STOP TURNING THE ISSUE AROUND! WHEN I TELL YOU TO GET OUT OF YOUR ROOM YOU DO IT THE INSTANT I SAY SO!"}

^{NB: "sh*t, mom... Uhh, where's Nicky?"}

^{NM: "GET BACK TO YOUR FILTHY HOLE!"}

^{NM: "Damn... alright..."}

...

That did not go as planned.

Chapter 15: Little NOVA Match Girl

Chapter Text

Out on the streets, crawling my ass out of the suburb at 11 p.m.
Sweet graduation gift.
I guess she promised me that one day this would happen.

Nicole:"You bitch..."

Nothing on besides jeans, second hand t-shirt, twelve bucks, and last bar on the phone battery. Worst of all, I was seconds away from swallowing the methadone pills next to my food. And I only got two bites of it anyway.

N:"You unhinged, unstable, hypocritical..."

It was just like day one. World gets wobbly, blurred, tunneled. sh*t's spinning and twisting, you feel like your guts are on fire while sweating ice. Body refuses to work and you can't walk straight.

N:"... gaslighting, stupid f*cking whor*!"

It really is a hellhole. In both directions, nothing but the same house-and-garage copy stretching for miles. All hail zoning laws, at least we had a sidewalk wider than a used condom.

HURK! HEEUEEH! COUGH!

But however I tried to use that sidewalk, I ended up in the middle of the road with a trail of vomit behind. And with nothing to hang on, I dropped face first onto the asphalt.

N:"Blef... cough! Ugh, ah... haah..."

I could drag myself to the nearest house, but our entire street had 'FOR SALE' all over it. 2009 threw sh*t into the running fan, neighbors couldn't pay up their mortgage and only we managed to hang on.

N:"Maybe getting dragged away by cops was a better idea... damn, I should've stayed and kicked on the door."

So, now crashed under a lamp post, and again in my own spew, I got down to possibilities:

Night shift father not noticing me and thinking I was a speed bump?
Some sicko pulling the unconscious me into the treeline and using like a cum sleeve until I break?
Another hurtle of puke making me suffocate?

N:"I'm not dying... a f*cking Breaking Bad reference... I'm not... !!!"

B U U L E E E E G H

...

N:"Haah... nhaa... f*ck."

Answer seemed much simpler.

N:"... t-that's it?"

Asphalt was sucking me cold through the fabric like a vampire.

N:"Damn, I somehow didn't skip that one class, eh..."

Remembering art in your last moments has to be the most nerd sh*t imaginable.

N:"Little Match Girl's way..."

But, other then her being pure and me being a sociopath, were the two of us really that different? Besides.

N:"Ha. Might as... well..."

You don't think of something being cliche when it's happening to you

N:"So... tell me... nnnghhh! Aahh!"

The train was leaving and I was all aboard. I spent all the gas I got to turn on my back.

N:"Heeeeyyyy~"

It felt good. I had no worries. No pressure. It was the moment.

N:"You really... up there?"

The moment I had a few times in my life already.
Where I felt it was really happening and I couldn't turn back.
My back and butt were already dead numb.

N:"... d-"

After looking up into the sky long enough, I got to see the stars through the lamp light above me.

N:"... dad."

...

...

...

N:"Damn."

I don't know what the other side is like. But bitchslap with a greasy Subway wrapper is too specific of a greeting for either heaven or hell.

N:"... my back. Ugh"

No pearly gates, no fire and brimstone. I promised to kill myself before getting old many times, and the early taste of waking up in your 40's only reinforced that.

N:"Where the f*ck... what time is it... Battery's dead. sh*t!"

Mouth dry like after a short couch nap, solid vomit peeling off my lips and collar, and I was so thirsty I could throw away my American heritage and drink an actual water instead of co*ke.

N:"Huff... so, no hypothermia but... I'm really gonna go through cold in the middle of June. Hurk! Pfo!"

I hadn't moved an inch for seven hours. Summer sun came quick enough to warm up the ground and save me from freezing. It had to be five something in the morning.

Achoo~!

N:"I was... sniff, haah! Free for the taking for seven hours and nobody..."

No rescue, no getting f*cked to death, no legs flattened by tires.

Nothing.

I really had no value to the world, not even in the negatives.

N:"When you drill into a girl's head that all value she has is how tight she is... SNORT!

G-gotta hurt.

Mmgnh, now get up, get up, get up... !

Haah! Oh yeah, yeah... aah, spine's cracking like I'm six divorces in."

Sluuuurp~
Lick~ Schlup~
Nom~ Schlop~

N:"I'm a pretentious bitch that needs expensive stuff to stay cool but-"

b u u u r p

N:"Costco's dollar-fifty hotdog is the best sh*t ever invented.
I don't give a f*ck if being seen at wholesale is a social killer, this is the peak of humanity. Like dude, in twenty years, if it's staying the same, it's gonna be worshiped more than-"

...

...

...

...

N:"Oh no."

I spent my last six bucks on getting to the hospital as fast as I could.